S10C Blog

Fw:

Written by Alissa

Friday, 27 August 2010 03:00

Written by Alissa

Sunday, 22 August 2010 14:12

Yesterday I went to the bodybuilding show all the folks in my community
had been anticipating, and that I had been first angling for. As I walked
in for the night show (looking super fucking hot in my new dress which I
already knew, but had confirmed by many friends), someone walked up behind
me (my shoes were 4 inches...I'm not running, ok?!) and it was a trainer
from the gym (he is the one, you won't remember this story...too old, but
is the one my first trainer suggested I go to when I first quit working
with him. I never did work with him, but he has always been cool to me.)

We chatted on the way in to the theatre about my trainer and his chances.
He didn't come to the pre-judging in the morning, as I had, but had heard
how good M had looked and I confirmed it. I said "If he doesn't win the
overall I would have some questions for the judges!" He agreed. It was
funny running into him as I rarely see him, but it was on time as he knows
the BB game.

Well comes to pass, my trainer doesn't win the overall (but every other
fucking thing he could have--masters, class, open, best poser, and most
muscular). I was enraged. I know the sport is subjective and political and
that for me proved it. I stalked the hell out of the auditorium and across
the parking lot I ran into Darrell again. My mad was obvious. He stopped
talking to someone else (who was also thinking "Robbery!" evidently) to
talk to me.

He said the anger was normal, but to channel it in the right way. He
advised me not to be mad in front of M and just focus on all he did win. He
said, "I want him to enjoy all that he did win, and not let this one thing
take away the joy of those victories." That was some deep shit and right on
time. I was just getting ready to rage text...feeding what I'm sure M was
already feeling. That is right. He did GREAT and I found out that he
actually won more things than I even knew of during the show. He should
feel good about it. I just texted how proud I was of him and left it at
this.

He texted me this morning saying he had been "robbed" (I agree) but that
it had just fueled what he was going to do for the next show he was going
in, in a few weeks. I thought this show determined whether he could go to
that one, but no. Thank GOD! He can still go and compete in that one and
dominate; and these politics won't be a part of it.

Anyway, the harmony of messages of running into Darrell when I needed to,
is appreciated. Thanks!

If nothing held me back

Written by Alissa

Sunday, 22 August 2010 07:43

I got an email yesterday advertising a knowledge product that asked me this, "What would it feel like if nothing held you back?". This is a shocking question. Shocking, because I (and I think you too) live my life with many fetters, roadblocks, hindrances and things that just get in the way.

Although it is easy to point to circumstances and other people that stand in the way, is this true? I wonder.

For me this was clear last night at the New Jersey state championships (congrats to all the winners, but a HUGE shoutout to my trainer who won 4 amazing victories and a super cool photo shoot for his hard work. I am so proud and inspired!). This was the show I was gunning for when I started training with a trainer again.

It came and went and I wasn't on the stage. Again.

Sigh.

I have lots of reasons why...my back, my dad dying, my marriage breaking up, my job, my business, being a mother...my life. But how can my life get in the way of my life?

It didn't, is my conclusion. It didn't, my mind did. I understand that those things are real, but I let them be reasons for not sticking to my plan and achieving my goal and I am very disappointed in myself for it.

What do any of them have to do with my eating on plan or doing cardio? (I always make time to train, and generally train at 100% intensity.) Nothing, at all. Nothing but me got in my way, and that is so sad to me. Disappointing.

What sort of role model am I for my kid, my clients, myself? Ok, probably still a decent one, but still I disappointed myself and let MY dream be deferred...again.

So what exactly got in my way? Besides the difficult and energy draining context? My thinking. My beliefs. My focus. My valuation of myself. They fell off. Big time.

A fight (multiple fights) with Chris should strengthen my resolve to do me. It drained me and set off a psychosomatic reaction which hobbled me for weeks.

My stance on substances (not doing them) made me fear getting on this stage without them. Looking at the females who competed, and no knock against them, I could have done well had I showed up in shape...without 'roids.

My skewed vision of what the show was. It was much bigger in my mind than in reality and that scared me off too. Not the supposed size or importance of the show itself, but the ME I wanted to present in this "big" show. Again in reality outside of the elite and pro female bodybuilding, there is "not much action" in the ranks, as one of the veterans of the sport told me a few months ago. This is another way of saying I could do well, natural.

My dad, my kid, my business all benefit from my competing and doing well, but these "reasons" weren't enough to keep me on point throughout the storms of my life.

I and I didn't maintain the focus I needed. I and I didn't have a clear vision of what I wanted in light of what the actual competition was. I didn't insist on me first...and I wasn't first, again. A dream deferred.

Better next time.

Alissa
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Stress

Written by Alissa

Saturday, 21 August 2010 10:22

So you know, I've begun divorce proceedings. This has been a long time coming and I am finally ready to see it through. No more chances or compromises.

Although I've been moving toward this for a while and threatened it at least 3 times I'm aware of this time is different because I'm not angry. I like my ex-husband and actually some times during the last few months as this has been approaching have been some of our best times as a family in the 8 years we've had together.

However as it moved in his mind from, Alissa threatening divorce again, to she seems serious things between us have gotten more rocky. My ex husband thinks that if he TALKS or DOES enough things I will change my mind, but unfortunately for him this is not the case. I have been convinced by words and gestures in the past, but learned that they're largely hollow unfortunately for our marriage.

He's very angry, upset and afraid of the impending changes. He drags his feet, argues, texts essays, pouts, gets depressed. It's all normal and except for the texting I know I've been there. We have cultivated some destructive behaviours in our marriage and I take half of that responsibility for them. It wasn't just him.

The stress from the fighting we have done lately has taken a toll on me physically and emotionally. My back went out right after things got really intense. I was so tense around him afterward my muscles locked up and pressed on bones and created low back pain and numbness in my extremeties. Hello Valium, goodbye bodybuilding show this year.

It sucks to feel like I have been derailed by the divorce, but as a wise mentor of mine said, "divorce, death--(my dad) take a LOT of energy!" Yeah they do. I don't think I'm doing any of this perfectly, but I'm doing what's best--for me, for everyone...in the long run.

I have tried to be his friend, but learned now is not the time for that. Ok. Living and learning over here.
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Mind

Written by Alissa

Friday, 20 August 2010 11:57

So I have been thinking a lot lately (I often have that problem) about my thoughts. I have said here before that my mind tends to lead the way when it comes to my physical transformation. I believe that more than ever now days. I think my mind and it's ability to envision myself (body, spirit, behavior, etc.) In the future is key to my getting there. Things I've been reading of late support this--thoughts are things, we are what we think about most of the time, etc.

Oddly at the same time my mind (the negative one) is usually way behind at the same time. It takes months for my consciousness to catch up with my body and what it actually looks like--oh! I'm sort of thin! Oooo look! Muscles!

It is my mind that gets in the way and makes excuses for dumb behavior. It says I can't or it's uncomfortable or whatever it needs to to keep me moving forward toward what I want. Doing this or that doesn't matter--that used to be my MANTRA! Things I did that were unsupportive of my supposed goals didn't matter, because I didn't matter! At least now I know that I do matter. Progress where we can get it.

The negative mind has had a lot more exercise in my life--see how important exercise is (!). It's very easy to think poorly of ourselves, think we can't do something, or that we can't change. Staying there seems safer, but I've learned it's not. Not at all. The positive mind is what I am working on now to strengthen and grow. Like growing biceps and a wider back these last few months and years, I know I can do it. I already am. So can you. Let's do it together. Alissa@size10chronicles.com
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2XL...No!

Written by Alissa

Thursday, 15 July 2010 14:23